It became gloomy on the night of 10th
December 2009. I had a misunderstanding with the only boy I knew I loved then.
Ivan, charming, always happy, encouraging and very supportive. Until today I
doubt I have stopped blaming myself for his death for if it weren’t for our
usual talks he would never have known I had a problem for him to try and help
me out of it. It’s something I still cry about today, it’s something am not
sure I will stop crying over the pain is still there after almost six years of
his demise. I am still hurt, I still miss him and it hurts that everyone thinks
I have not yet moved on. I believe I have moved on though I know his memory
will forever live. The darkest moment of my life came when his mother called me
on 12th December to tell me he was gone. The night before I tried calling
him I really tried but they kept disconnecting me. I keep telling myself that
if they had told me he was in hospital maybe, just maybe I would have gone to
see him and maybe we could have talked and maybe our talk would have lived
forever the ifs are so many that the more I think about it the more they come.
When the mother told me he had gone I couldn’t
understand I thought maybe he had gone somewhere, I thought that maybe he got
angry at me for the misunderstanding and decided to walk away but still it
didn’t make sense for I knew him as someone who cared for me deeply to let a
misunderstanding destroy what we had. Well she meant he was gone as in he is
dead. Till today when I remember the sound of her voice from the other side
tears roll down my eyes. The thought of it all is unthinkable.
I cried so much when you passed away. I still cry
myself to sleep today. Although I loved you dearly I couldn’t make you stay. I
still remember the casket getting closed, I wasn’t there when you released your
final grasp or when you finally closed your eyes. But I remember just before
the casket was closed I promised to think of you each day and to tell you I
will always love you until my dying day.
A golden heart stopped beating, Hardworking hands to
rest. God broke my heart to prove to me that he only takes the best.
To the one I loved so much. To Ivan my best friend, I
have not been able to replace you, I tried but I can’t find a match not even a
little something in the people I have tried to move on with that can remind me
of what we had. I am writing this because it’s December and to me it will
always be a hurtful month unless something will happen that will take away the
pain I felt 6 years ago. I still miss you the same way and I wish I could speak
to you through my vibrant eyes. That’s what you always told me when I was
feeling low. You said I had vibrant eyes and that you adore me. I feel like
everyone I have met in the journey u left me on has held my hand just a little
before they let go again and I found myself alone once more. I promised you
that I would smile as much as I could and cry less but I believe I have cried
more than I have smiled. Matters of the heart are not simple and no one can
really avoid certain circumstances. I got a nice guy I almost got married to
him but well things didn’t turn out as expected so I felt lied to and used. I
am hoping to end everything soon but hopefully before December ends. Weird I had to set a
date but sometimes it’s so necessary. Am locking my heart now and I believe
this time it’s for good. I don’t want to love again. I am better off alone and
with your memories I will be just fine. I am going to have as much fun as I can
with myself and maybe just maybe I will black out with the fun.
Meanwhile the family has been so good to me. Mum
Maggie has been supportive and she has been there for me and Samantha well that
one says am too emotional but she is a very good girl. Kind though a little
spoilt.
