Today I
will write about my journey into motherhood. It is a feeling that I cannot
easily explain in plain words. For me at least maybe there are mothers out
there who can explain it better.
From the moment,
a woman learns they are expecting a child things become more intense sometimes
confusing and the excitement kicks in all together you start picturing what the
baby will look like, how you will look pregnant, how it feels to have a tiny
little human grow inside you sometimes it’s all happy and scary. One thing I
have learnt about motherhood is whatever your child does, at whatever age, a
mother will always be a mother, she will correct you and still love you at your
worst mistakes no matter how big or small that mistake is. At least I knew my
mother May Allah grant her the highest rank in Jannah would still love me at my
worst.
Now when I
learnt of my pregnancy a few weeks after I had gotten married I was super
scared and happy at the same time. Scared because of all the things people go
through while pregnant one of those things are miscarriages, they say a lot of
these happen when a woman is undergoing some kid of stress and around the first
three months of pregnancy. Around that time, much as I was newly married I was
undergoing stress. Mom was sick and the constant hospital visits plus the no
change in her health was so worrying hence the stress so I feared for my great
pregnancy news.
My second
fear came from a friend who had just undergone surgery because of an ectopic
pregnancy I will not go into details about that but yeah what if I was told I
am pregnant then I learn along the way something was not right? That always
scared me as well. Then I also have a friend who had a very painful delivery
the one word she uses a lot while describing what she went through giving birth
is “STITCH” whenever I hear the word stitches ever since my friend had a baby,
memory lane takes me back to when my friend had her baby. Well enough with the
baby pregnancy fears. When the news were broken to me of I was going to be a
mother I was so happy I just did not know what to expect and the fears too.
So the
journey began it took me two days to tell someone I was expecting, my husband
was with me when I was given the news so I didn’t have to tell him. Well the
first person I told was my elder sister Ruckia, she had to be the first I told
considering I am always comfortable talking to her about my personal matters,
then I told mom and she was so happy.
It didn’t
take so long before the hormones started to kick in. Before I knew it,
everything started to smell real bad, the throwing up, everything was just so
bad I lost my appetite and well something happened and mom said my baby would
look exactly like the father till today, I still don’t know how she predicted
that but it turned out so true.
Two weeks
after I learnt of my good news, my mom passed away and this until today I have
never been able to explain as the pain is so fresh. Even if I never really knew
how to show it, express it my mom was always my strength I ranted to her about
everything I went through. I know there are times I was so stubborn and
hardheaded but she still held me high and in respect. I never got a chance to
apologize to her for all the wrongs I did her but knowing how loving and Nobel
she was she forgives me.
Here i was a week to bringing my bundle of joy to this world
I have
been a parent for one year now and if given a chance to sit down with my mom
one more time, I would kneel down and apologize for everything I did wrong, I
would apologize for not listening to her and I would apologize for disobeying
her. I would literally beg her for forgiveness for everything I did wrong
knowingly and unknowingly. I would tell her how much I love her and how much I
want her in my baby’s life. Mom would have loved Ayman so much I saw her love
my nephews and nieces she would have been so proud of me. I realized her
importance in pregnancy and most importantly in the labor ward. Each time my
labor pain intensified, I thought of the hurt, the pain and the tears I caused
my mother. I believe born as a woman I am blessed because in labor you get to
experience true love through the pain and perseverance you go through. The
moment that little creature is out , the pain goes like it was never there and
hey, it’s love at first sight true love, true happiness and something so
beautiful like the pain screaming is no more. You embrace the cry of a new
born, you look at that baby and say wow, Alhamdulilah it takes love, prayer and
strength to go through that particular pain.
Alhamdulilah
I went through it I came out alive and I am a happy mother to a sweet little
baby boy that I love with everything invested in me. I love him for the sake of
Allah who gave him to me healthy and I will forever be grateful for that. I had
a few friends and family who were supportive after mom Passed on and I thank
Allah for them it would have been hard without them it wasn’t easy but they
made it count.
I will
stop here for pregnancy watch out for the birth of my baby boy.
Xx love Leiny
